Searching for Connections

It's weird. Somehow, having a baby has inspired in me this longing for deeper connections to the people in my life. Family that I haven't spoken to in years suddenly seem important, the reasons for my silence tucked away if not forgotten. Is it an instinctual desire to reach out for help and support during this time when I need so much of it? When life is so scary. 

My mother and my maternal grandmother, both name Nannette, passed away with in two years of each other. To be honest, my mother and I weren't that close. I moved out at the age of 13, and while I loved her, and stayed in contact, our relationship was not that of a normal mother and child. I try to remember her and they good times we shared together, dancing, and singing, but it all feels so far away. She protected me fiercely, taught me to be a strong woman, and to take shit from no one.

My grandmother's death almost undid me. It has been almost three years, and I still can't face it completely. I take sideways glances at it, letting myself look, but not completely. There I things I can't bring myself to even think about that shake my heart. I have not made it though the denial stages. I know she is not in this world any more. I tell myself it, but in my core, I cannot let myself believe it as a fact or perhaps I don't want to. It is easier after all. The day of her services, I cried until my nose bled, but in the hospital, when I saw her, I was stoic. My grandfather crumbled before me, and I pushed my emotions down to my toes, far away from my heart. We can't all fall apart, can we? I let myself feel it in pieces later, and even though I only took sideways glances as it, it was too much. It was too hard. To this day, I don't know how I'm living with out her.

And the point is, my grandmother and my mother are the only two people (besides Damian) who I really truly need right now, and they're the only two people I can't have. So I'm searching for connections that make sense, to my friends who live far away and my remaining family, but I still feel like somethings missing, mostly because something is.

This probably sounds depressing, but it's not meant to be, nor am I depressed. I'm just having a moment of thoughtful, self-awareness.