We had an ultrasound! It was so cool to see the baby. The best part was seeing the legs and arms moving around inside of me.
We also found out that we're having a boy! Damian is thrilled, and I find myself wondering what it will be like to raise a boy. Those of you that have read my other blog know that I have strong opinions about how women are treated and molded in our society. The fact is that women are encouraged to be cooperative to the point of submission, while men are encouraged to dominate and to take control. I mentioned to someone recently that I feel like I know how to help a girl be a strong feminist who stands up for the things she believes in, but how do I raise my son to both stand up for what he believes while still being cooperative and respectful. How do I teach my son, who will get so many messages from television, movies, and the internet about how to treat women, to do what he can to subvert this culture? And on top of that, how do I help him resist racism, classism, and homophobia? I honestly don't know.
He's growing! I'm growing! When I had the ultrasound, he was about 6 inches, and now (according to reputable baby websites) he should be about 11 inches and over a pound. My stomach is getting bigger every time I look at it. I can feel him moving around inside me regularly now and Damian might even have felt one particular ferocious movement once. It becomes more and more real every day, and I become more and more paralyzed with fear. I hope this is easier the second time. I would like to have more than one, at least that's what I'm thinking now. I reserve the right to change my mind.
We decided on a baby name: Drake. For me, it was love at first sight. I like the sound and spelling and even better, I love that it means dragon, which fits nicely with our nerdiness. Damian approached the name more cautiously, but he went through hundreds of baby names and couldn't find one that he liked more. He is very picky about boy names.
In non-baby news, I think I'm ready to start writing again. I sat down the other day planning to just do some scribbling. I asked Damian what I should write about and he said, "I don't know. Fried chicken." A story was born. It's not fantasy, at least I don't think it is, but I like it. I haven't quite figured out my main character. I think I need to make her younger, but it feels good to write it, and feels good to have my pen in my hand.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Oh dear!
I have a lot to update on about this pregnancy. I'm just about six months pregnant and a lot of cool things have happened, like an ultrasound and name selection, but that's not a post for today. Today I need to post about how I'm feeling. Once I started feeling physically better, I started to get really excited about having a baby and being pregnant. I'm a natural worrier, so this happy feeling has never been free from worry, but for the most part, I was so happy! In the past week or two, things have really flipped. Instead of being a little bit worried and a lot about happy, I'm mostly just terrified.
Terrified doesn't really explain this feeling... worried about being a parent and the baby, scared of major failure, and even a bit sad that the life I know and love is going to change. It is the end of an era, as they say. I'm sure some of these emotions are related to the hormonal changes happening to me right now, and the fact that my stomach is growing and growing, and the pain in my lower back that is likely to only get worse. I'm sure some of it also as to do with me leaving one of my part time jobs (reasons are complicated, it's not just because of the baby though), a job that I enjoy.
I know a lot of women experience increased anxiety and mood swings as their pregnancy progresses, but I didn't really expect to experience this level of fear/depression/anxiety (take your pick). I know in time I will be okay and get back to being my normal self. I don't feel hopeless or desperate because I won't let myself get to that point. I'm doing my best to stay positive, and positive self-talk is a really important part of my general mental health. And I am happy to be having a baby. I'm just all those other things right along with it, and sometimes the more negative/harmful emotions feel closer to the surface.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Why My Husband is Amazing
My husband has been the most supportive, loving spouse a person could ever imagine. Here's a brief list of his amazingness.
1. He does not complain that I haven't cooked a meal in over a month because my morning sickness is strongest at night.
2. When I'm exhausted, and I want to go to bed early. He comes in the room and keeps me company. He knows I like when he is near me, even when I'm not conscious.
3. When I was battling multiple illnesses and morning sickness in February, he brought everything I needed to the bedroom including drinks, meals, and medicine.
4. He sees our relationship as a true partnership -- we both take care of house work including cooking, cleaning, food shopping, and laundry.
5. He is supportive of my emotional needs even though he doesn't always understand them.
6. He challenges me to be introspective about my decisions and choices. He doesn't cut me slack when I'm being unfair.
7. He gives me attention and space whenever I need it.
8. He understands that my body is going through changes, and he always assures me that I'm still beautiful.
9. He's a really good listener.
10. He never has a problem admitting when he's wrong, he never yells, and he rarely gets mad.
As you can see I have plenty of reasons to love him, and I assure you that I treat him quite well too, but sometimes I still wonder: do I deserve such a wonderful person in my life? I told him once that I didn't deserve him, and he said "It's not about deserving. It's about being there for each other no matter what." He knows me so well. There is no way he could convince me that I deserve his love, but he can tell me that love for each other will be there thick and thin, unconditionally. I think to some extent it is more important that I strive to deserve such an amazing person, to better myself, to treat him with the love, respect, and support he deserves, and that is what I strive to do.
Relationships are so strange. It is no small feat to find a comfortable balance between two people's need. Some how we've managed (and it has always been easy). I wonder how bringing a third person into this family of two will change us, our lives, our balancing.
1. He does not complain that I haven't cooked a meal in over a month because my morning sickness is strongest at night.
2. When I'm exhausted, and I want to go to bed early. He comes in the room and keeps me company. He knows I like when he is near me, even when I'm not conscious.
3. When I was battling multiple illnesses and morning sickness in February, he brought everything I needed to the bedroom including drinks, meals, and medicine.
4. He sees our relationship as a true partnership -- we both take care of house work including cooking, cleaning, food shopping, and laundry.
5. He is supportive of my emotional needs even though he doesn't always understand them.
6. He challenges me to be introspective about my decisions and choices. He doesn't cut me slack when I'm being unfair.
7. He gives me attention and space whenever I need it.
8. He understands that my body is going through changes, and he always assures me that I'm still beautiful.
9. He's a really good listener.
10. He never has a problem admitting when he's wrong, he never yells, and he rarely gets mad.
As you can see I have plenty of reasons to love him, and I assure you that I treat him quite well too, but sometimes I still wonder: do I deserve such a wonderful person in my life? I told him once that I didn't deserve him, and he said "It's not about deserving. It's about being there for each other no matter what." He knows me so well. There is no way he could convince me that I deserve his love, but he can tell me that love for each other will be there thick and thin, unconditionally. I think to some extent it is more important that I strive to deserve such an amazing person, to better myself, to treat him with the love, respect, and support he deserves, and that is what I strive to do.
Relationships are so strange. It is no small feat to find a comfortable balance between two people's need. Some how we've managed (and it has always been easy). I wonder how bringing a third person into this family of two will change us, our lives, our balancing.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Feeling Noticeably Better at 14 Weeks
I am finally starting to feel almost like a human being again! I'm still fighting the good fight against nausea, but I've been winning more often these days. The medicine for my bladder infection worked really quickly and I have a smidgen more energy now that I'm not sick. I think my belly is starting to be influenced by the baby. I mean, I always had a belly, but it looks a little pouchier than usual. It's not the most flattering picture of me, but there you have it -- me 14 weeks pregnant.
Now that I'm regaining my humanity, there are things I need to do! I need to clean my house desperately. Damian's been keeping on top of somethings, but he's only one person. Last week I managed to go to the laundry mat, this week the apartment just needs a total overhaul. Soon, very soon, we need to clean out the spare room/ future baby's room. It's currently a disaster, full of stuff that we need to put in storage or get rid of. Some of it is already packed up in totes, but some of those totes need serious going through. Then we have to figure out what gets put away in storage in the apartment, and what is going to go in Damian's mom's attic. Once the room is cleared, I'll feel more ready to start thinking about furniture and stuff.
Now that I'm regaining my humanity, there are things I need to do! I need to clean my house desperately. Damian's been keeping on top of somethings, but he's only one person. Last week I managed to go to the laundry mat, this week the apartment just needs a total overhaul. Soon, very soon, we need to clean out the spare room/ future baby's room. It's currently a disaster, full of stuff that we need to put in storage or get rid of. Some of it is already packed up in totes, but some of those totes need serious going through. Then we have to figure out what gets put away in storage in the apartment, and what is going to go in Damian's mom's attic. Once the room is cleared, I'll feel more ready to start thinking about furniture and stuff.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tears, Health Insurance, and Luck
I had my first real pregnancy cry today, and it wasn't over something cute or sad. I mean, I've come close to bursting into tears over the thought of my husband holding our freshly squeeze baby, but so far I've managed to keep my cool. No, this was because I was completely overwhelmed. Pregnancy has not been fun for me so far. Head cold, nausea, general discomfort, never ending fatigue, bronchitis, and now a bladder and yeast infection... yes at the same time. The bladder infection was news to me. I had none of the traditional symptoms except pain in my stomach (which is scary for a never-been-pregnant-before woman), and the yeast infection is from the antibiotic I was taking for the bronchitis. All of this and I can't get proper health insurance. The health insurance is what sent me over the edge today.
A nurse had mentioned something about a "spousal refusal form" as a way of helping me get access to medicaid, which is really my only option at this point. So I went to my local DSS and asked for the form only to be told "we don't do that anymore." I went back to my car and cried right there in the parking lot.
Now I understand why they don't do that any more. It's a tricky way to get around having a spouse that earns a decent income. I'm not usually about doing these kind of tricky things, but the problem is that I've been put into a corner. I need health insurance, and no one will cover me. There aren't many viable options for middle income pregnant women.
So I'm back to square one with the health insurance, which basically means we're going to go very deeply into debt to make sure we have a healthy baby and Mama. So far my medical bills have been close to $3000. I don't make that much in a month. And it's not like we don't have bills. We might be middle income, but we don't have the luxury of middle income parents who helped us get our feet under us. We have rent, car payments, credit card bills, student loans, and utilities. Oh and we have to eat. I know we're not poor. I'm not, as my grandmother would say, pleading poverty. I know what it is like to be poor, and this isn't it, but we don't live high on the hog either. I mean, we don't even have cable television. I've tried to keep our expenses low. I use coupons when shopping, and don't buy anything we don't need.
You might be thinking "Then why did you go and get pregnant?" Well, I obviously didn't know that getting health insurance would be such a problem. I actually thought I'd be able to get on my husband's insurance. Funny thing is though that pregnancy isn't considered a life changing event. Tell that to my uterus! The birth of a child is considered life changing, but pregnancy isn't. The problem with this kind of thinking is that in order to have a happy, healthy baby, you need to get prenatal care, especially if you have a high risk pregnancy. (My pregnancy is not considered high risk, but I am at a great risk of complications like gestational diabetes because I'm over weight.)
Today at the doctors, I heard the babies heart beat. I turned to the doctor/resident and said, "Can you make sure there's only one in there?"
"Why? Are you predisposed?"
"No, but it would just make sense with the way my life's been going lately."
I don't think she heard two heart beats, but she didn't listen very hard. It'd be just my luck.
A nurse had mentioned something about a "spousal refusal form" as a way of helping me get access to medicaid, which is really my only option at this point. So I went to my local DSS and asked for the form only to be told "we don't do that anymore." I went back to my car and cried right there in the parking lot.
Now I understand why they don't do that any more. It's a tricky way to get around having a spouse that earns a decent income. I'm not usually about doing these kind of tricky things, but the problem is that I've been put into a corner. I need health insurance, and no one will cover me. There aren't many viable options for middle income pregnant women.
So I'm back to square one with the health insurance, which basically means we're going to go very deeply into debt to make sure we have a healthy baby and Mama. So far my medical bills have been close to $3000. I don't make that much in a month. And it's not like we don't have bills. We might be middle income, but we don't have the luxury of middle income parents who helped us get our feet under us. We have rent, car payments, credit card bills, student loans, and utilities. Oh and we have to eat. I know we're not poor. I'm not, as my grandmother would say, pleading poverty. I know what it is like to be poor, and this isn't it, but we don't live high on the hog either. I mean, we don't even have cable television. I've tried to keep our expenses low. I use coupons when shopping, and don't buy anything we don't need.
You might be thinking "Then why did you go and get pregnant?" Well, I obviously didn't know that getting health insurance would be such a problem. I actually thought I'd be able to get on my husband's insurance. Funny thing is though that pregnancy isn't considered a life changing event. Tell that to my uterus! The birth of a child is considered life changing, but pregnancy isn't. The problem with this kind of thinking is that in order to have a happy, healthy baby, you need to get prenatal care, especially if you have a high risk pregnancy. (My pregnancy is not considered high risk, but I am at a great risk of complications like gestational diabetes because I'm over weight.)
Today at the doctors, I heard the babies heart beat. I turned to the doctor/resident and said, "Can you make sure there's only one in there?"
"Why? Are you predisposed?"
"No, but it would just make sense with the way my life's been going lately."
I don't think she heard two heart beats, but she didn't listen very hard. It'd be just my luck.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Searching for Connections
It's weird. Somehow, having a baby has inspired in me this longing for deeper connections to the people in my life. Family that I haven't spoken to in years suddenly seem important, the reasons for my silence tucked away if not forgotten. Is it an instinctual desire to reach out for help and support during this time when I need so much of it? When life is so scary.
My mother and my maternal grandmother, both name Nannette, passed away with in two years of each other. To be honest, my mother and I weren't that close. I moved out at the age of 13, and while I loved her, and stayed in contact, our relationship was not that of a normal mother and child. I try to remember her and they good times we shared together, dancing, and singing, but it all feels so far away. She protected me fiercely, taught me to be a strong woman, and to take shit from no one.
My grandmother's death almost undid me. It has been almost three years, and I still can't face it completely. I take sideways glances at it, letting myself look, but not completely. There I things I can't bring myself to even think about that shake my heart. I have not made it though the denial stages. I know she is not in this world any more. I tell myself it, but in my core, I cannot let myself believe it as a fact or perhaps I don't want to. It is easier after all. The day of her services, I cried until my nose bled, but in the hospital, when I saw her, I was stoic. My grandfather crumbled before me, and I pushed my emotions down to my toes, far away from my heart. We can't all fall apart, can we? I let myself feel it in pieces later, and even though I only took sideways glances as it, it was too much. It was too hard. To this day, I don't know how I'm living with out her.
And the point is, my grandmother and my mother are the only two people (besides Damian) who I really truly need right now, and they're the only two people I can't have. So I'm searching for connections that make sense, to my friends who live far away and my remaining family, but I still feel like somethings missing, mostly because something is.
This probably sounds depressing, but it's not meant to be, nor am I depressed. I'm just having a moment of thoughtful, self-awareness.
My mother and my maternal grandmother, both name Nannette, passed away with in two years of each other. To be honest, my mother and I weren't that close. I moved out at the age of 13, and while I loved her, and stayed in contact, our relationship was not that of a normal mother and child. I try to remember her and they good times we shared together, dancing, and singing, but it all feels so far away. She protected me fiercely, taught me to be a strong woman, and to take shit from no one.
My grandmother's death almost undid me. It has been almost three years, and I still can't face it completely. I take sideways glances at it, letting myself look, but not completely. There I things I can't bring myself to even think about that shake my heart. I have not made it though the denial stages. I know she is not in this world any more. I tell myself it, but in my core, I cannot let myself believe it as a fact or perhaps I don't want to. It is easier after all. The day of her services, I cried until my nose bled, but in the hospital, when I saw her, I was stoic. My grandfather crumbled before me, and I pushed my emotions down to my toes, far away from my heart. We can't all fall apart, can we? I let myself feel it in pieces later, and even though I only took sideways glances as it, it was too much. It was too hard. To this day, I don't know how I'm living with out her.
And the point is, my grandmother and my mother are the only two people (besides Damian) who I really truly need right now, and they're the only two people I can't have. So I'm searching for connections that make sense, to my friends who live far away and my remaining family, but I still feel like somethings missing, mostly because something is.
This probably sounds depressing, but it's not meant to be, nor am I depressed. I'm just having a moment of thoughtful, self-awareness.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Rest for the weary
So I started the blog and let it sit. This is what happens, but the good thing is that I know that no one reads it and so I don't have to feel bad about it. Liberation through invisibility! Huzzah for being unknown!
The reason for the silence has been a good one, kind of. I haven't been feeling well, you see, well, because I'm about 11 weeks pregnant. (Yay!) We are both very excited and happy about this, but boy is it hard work being pregnant. The nausea is just barely beginning to subside, but I'm still pretty fatigued. My life currently consists of work, forcing myself to eat, and sleeping. I sleep a lot. Sometimes I sleep because I don't want to feel nauseous any more, most of the time it is because I can't keep my eyes open another second longer.
But the nausea is the worst. I'm usually pretty good when I'm sick. I'm the kind of person that can "suck it up" and go to work and tough it out any way (with a little help from my friend NyQuil), but there's something about feeling nauseous that turns me into a big, whining baby. Lucky for me, it's not so bad that I'm actually throwing up, and I'm managing to eat a bit. It's nothing compared to what some women deal with. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier on me though. In fact, it kind of makes me feel worse.
How am I feeling otherwise? Emotionally? Worried and a little stressed because of money issues (I don't currently have health insurance despite working 40 hours a week), but I'm so happy that I'm going to be a mom, and that I'm starting a family with the best husband in the whole world. I'm very lucky to have him as my teammate in all of this.
Other news? I hope to get back to my crocheting once I start being able to eat again, and there are some recipes I'm dying to try. I have my fingers crossed for a full recovery by next week.
The reason for the silence has been a good one, kind of. I haven't been feeling well, you see, well, because I'm about 11 weeks pregnant. (Yay!) We are both very excited and happy about this, but boy is it hard work being pregnant. The nausea is just barely beginning to subside, but I'm still pretty fatigued. My life currently consists of work, forcing myself to eat, and sleeping. I sleep a lot. Sometimes I sleep because I don't want to feel nauseous any more, most of the time it is because I can't keep my eyes open another second longer.
But the nausea is the worst. I'm usually pretty good when I'm sick. I'm the kind of person that can "suck it up" and go to work and tough it out any way (with a little help from my friend NyQuil), but there's something about feeling nauseous that turns me into a big, whining baby. Lucky for me, it's not so bad that I'm actually throwing up, and I'm managing to eat a bit. It's nothing compared to what some women deal with. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier on me though. In fact, it kind of makes me feel worse.
How am I feeling otherwise? Emotionally? Worried and a little stressed because of money issues (I don't currently have health insurance despite working 40 hours a week), but I'm so happy that I'm going to be a mom, and that I'm starting a family with the best husband in the whole world. I'm very lucky to have him as my teammate in all of this.
Other news? I hope to get back to my crocheting once I start being able to eat again, and there are some recipes I'm dying to try. I have my fingers crossed for a full recovery by next week.
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