Eat, Poop, Sleep

Damian decided to pick out a book to read about babies. I'm going the traditional route with What to Expect: The First Year, but it is far too long and detailed for him. Plus, it doesn't make sense for us to read the same book. Divide and conquer! After scanning the baby section at Barnes and Noble, we were a little disheartened. Most of the books were either textbooky or written for women, which wouldn't be so bad, but certainly wasn't ideal for him. There were some books written for fathers, but they weren't written for the kind of man that Damian is. They all assumed that that their reader would be a "dude," and tried to use humor to hold interest, which doesn't say much for the opinion the writer had of their readers. Damian is certainly just as much a dude as the next guy. He likes beer and football and would love to drive a fancy sports car (if only his wife would let him), but he also likes Bach, documentary films, and is a bit of a feminist (what can I say, I rubbed off on him). He is also genuinely interested in fathering, not to mention excited by it. Just at the last minute, we found a book called Eat, Sleep, Poop: A Common Sense Guide to Your Baby's First Year. It was written by a pediatrician and proud daddy, and combines his medical experience with his parenting experiences. It is practical and straightforward, but also more on the personal side when he brings in stories about his daughter. It struck just the right note with Damian, at least so far. 

That being said, I can tell you that it is not as unbiased as the book I'm reading, but I think this comes from his stance as a doctor. Doctors are biased about all sorts of things, and that is why we often get second opinions on the important things. So it is a good thing to look into alternative view points on things that are most important to you or you know the least about. I know there are a lot controversies about vaccination and circumcision, but I'm not going to spend hours researching these topics because I already has a strong bias for what I plan to do, and there are a lot of conflicting opinions/studies about them, so I go with my gut. But the topic of helping my baby sleep through the night is a different story. My gut is confused by this topic. It tells me that I won't be comfortable letting my baby cry it out, at least not for long periods of time, but it also tells me that I can't go running at it's every whimper  So I'll definitely be looking into all kinds of philosophies on this topic.

Pregnancy Belly and Baby Wiggles

I looked in the mirror the other day and thought "Oh dear!" This was followed by a minor freak out about how much control I'm losing over my body. It is a strange to feel your body change so rapidly. It starts to feel like it isn't your body, like you're living in someone else. I'm starting to like my belly though. In a world where weight gain is usually a bad thing, it is hard to remember that what is happening to me is a good thing. At first the belly changes weren't that noticeable  but now it feels like every week I am significantly rounder. I honestly don't know how much weight I've gained. The last check was 6 pounds, but that was almost a month ago. I don't weigh myself at home, only at the doctors.

Drake has really been wiggling around in there too. Sometimes when I watch my stomach, it twitches with each hop. Damian still hasn't really been able to feel him, but I think he must not have feeling in his hands, because Drake is certainly trying his best to give high fives in the womb.

All the updates in the world

We had an ultrasound! It was so cool to see the baby. The best part was seeing the legs and arms moving around inside of me. 

We also found out that we're having a boy! Damian is thrilled, and I find myself wondering what it will be like to raise a boy. Those of you that have read my other blog know that I have strong opinions about how women are treated and molded in our society. The fact is that women are encouraged to be cooperative to the point of submission, while men are encouraged to dominate and to take control.  I mentioned to someone recently that I feel like I know how to help a girl be a strong feminist who stands up for the things she believes in, but how do I raise my son to both stand up for what he believes while still being cooperative and respectful. How do I teach my son, who will get so many messages from television, movies, and the internet about how to treat women, to do what he can to subvert this culture? And on top of that, how do I help him resist racism, classism, and homophobia? I honestly don't know.

He's growing! I'm growing! When I had the ultrasound, he was about 6 inches, and now (according to reputable baby websites) he should be about 11 inches and over a pound. My stomach is getting bigger every time I look at it. I can feel him moving around inside me regularly now and Damian might even have felt one particular ferocious movement once. It becomes more and more real every day, and I become more and more paralyzed with fear. I hope this is easier the second time. I would like to have more than one, at least that's what I'm thinking now. I reserve the right to change my mind.

We decided on a baby name: Drake. For me, it was love at first sight. I like the sound and spelling and even better, I love that it means dragon, which fits nicely with our nerdiness. Damian approached the name more cautiously, but he went through hundreds of baby names and couldn't find one that he liked more. He is very picky about boy names.

In non-baby news, I think I'm ready to start writing again. I sat down the other day planning to just do some scribbling. I asked Damian what I should write about and he said, "I don't know. Fried chicken." A story was born. It's not fantasy, at least I don't think it is, but I like it. I haven't quite figured out my main character. I think I need to make her younger, but it feels good to write it, and feels good to have my pen in my hand.

Oh dear!

I have a lot to update on about this pregnancy. I'm just about six months pregnant and a lot of cool things have happened, like an ultrasound and name selection, but that's not a post for today. Today I need to post about how I'm feeling. Once I started feeling physically better, I started to get really excited about having a baby and being pregnant. I'm a natural worrier, so this happy feeling has never been free from worry, but for the most part, I was so happy! In the past week or two, things have really flipped. Instead of being a little bit worried and a lot about happy, I'm mostly just terrified.

Terrified doesn't really explain this feeling... worried about being a parent and the baby, scared of major failure, and even a bit sad that the life I know and love is going to change. It is the end of an era, as they say. I'm sure some of these emotions are related to the hormonal changes happening to me right now, and the fact that my stomach is growing and growing, and the pain in my lower back that is likely to only get worse. I'm sure some of it also as to do with me leaving one of my part time jobs (reasons are complicated, it's not just because of the baby though), a job that I enjoy.

I know a lot of women experience increased anxiety and mood swings as their pregnancy progresses, but I didn't really expect to experience this level of fear/depression/anxiety (take your pick). I know in time I will be okay and get back to being my normal self. I don't feel hopeless or desperate because I won't let myself get to that point. I'm doing my best to stay positive, and positive self-talk is a really important part of my general mental health. And I am happy to be having a baby. I'm just all those other things right along with it, and sometimes the more negative/harmful emotions feel closer to the surface.