Happy Full Term Baby Day to Me (and Drake, and I suppose Damian)!

I've made it to a full 37 weeks pregnant, and the baby is not considered full term and can come whenever he wants and be totally great. I have reached the point where I cannot wait until he comes. The anticipation, the worry about labor, the stress of becoming a mom are all very present, and the sooner he comes the sooner I get to worry about new things. We're basically all set and ready to go; we're just waiting on Mr. Drake to honor us with his presence. Here's some pictures for fun!

Not exactly professional photos here, but it's cute, and much cozier feeling in person. Damian and I decided on a broadly "animal" themed room. Sure I loved some of the themed sets that Babies R Us had, but it certainly wasn't financially practical for us to do one of those. I figured lots of baby stuff comes with animals on it, we like animals, most kids like animals, and so we just went with the basic animal concept and rolled with it. Got a bunch of stuff as gifts and a bunch of stuff on clearance.

And here's a picture of me, looking ever so 9 months pregnant, and trying to smile so that Drake doesn't one day think I was anything but happy about his arrival. I just have one of those faces that isn't good at looking joyous. I always just end up looking constipated.

34 Weeks into Pregnancy and Totally Not Ready

The count down begins! Six weeks to go. If I'm a little late, it is possible that my baby will be born on Labor Day. As a pun-loving person, this excites me. Here are some pictures of the progress. I look pretty beat up in both of them, but I know you'll forgive me.  This first picture is my attempt at smiling for the camera.

And here's a good one of the belly, but I look totally miserable and slightly confused.

Some of my friends from work threw me a lovely baby shower (that's where the balloon is from). It was great and I got to see so many friends from far away. It was touching.  I look a little more myself here with Damian. Although I wish I had the sleek look of Princess Kate. How does she manage to not look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

So the baby is coming soon, and we are not ready in the least. I have maybe a quarter of our hospital bag packed and a million things on my to do list. There's a bunch of shopping that needs to be done to pick up things we will need in that first month, but my paycheck is already spent, so that's not going to happen for another two weeks. There's a lot of deep cleaning and organizing that I want to do that just hasn't happened. It's really time to get busy getting some of this stuff done. The problem is that I'm a whale, a tired whale, and I'm participating in Camp Nanowrimo and writing like a fiend with many of my spare minutes. I just hope that I get that burst of energy that comes with nesting early.

In other news, I hit a life milestone today! I went for a visit with the social worker at the doctor's office I go to. It was a routine visit to check on mental health and to tell me about resources in the community for women with babies, and she said I seemed to be a very well adjusted individual! After years of battling depression, anxiety, and body image issues, this was the best thing I'd heard all week, although in all honesty, I also consider myself to be pretty well adjusted. 

Thirty Two Weeks Pregnant

It is official. I am in my 8th month of pregnancy. It is getting difficult to remember a time when I wasn't pregnant. What was that like? Remember corned beef? Remember sleeping on your stomach? Le Sigh. Here's me last week (31 weeks). 

I wouldn't say I'm a miserable pregnant woman, but I am by no means the happy, tons of energy, feeling fantastic, don't want to tear peoples' heads off and eat their brains pregnant woman. There are a litany of complaints like not being able to walk up the stairs to my apartment without getting winded, not being able to stand on my feet a work without pain, the fact that this baby might actually be a radiator because I am HOT, my carpal tunnel acting up. I want to eat all the time, and it goes on, but right now there are two things tied for the "worst of it" title.

1. My left hip is killing me. It doesn't hurt all the time, but if I'm sitting for twenty minutes, and I get up, I can barely walk. It doesn't want to move and it hurts to put weight on it. 
2. And secondly, Drake is getting to be very active at night. I'm not sure, but I think he's kicking my bladder, and pretending he's the ball from Pong  at the same time. Some times it's just uncomfortable, and sometimes it's even cool to feel him, but then there's the times when it down right hurts! Why you beating your mama up Drake? It seriously feels like there are two babies in there!

Also this might be TMI, but hey, I'm a prego woman, I don't know the meaning of TMI. My body is not my own. Today I sneezed and peed my pants a little. It is as if my body has decided to give up the good fight and have given the last thing I had control of over to pregnancy - my bladder control.

A funny thing happens when your pregnant though, or at least it is happening for me. There's a (huge) part of my brain that says "Pregnancy sucks,"  and I'm fully aware of this and in agreement with this part of my brain, but then there are these tricky emotions, I would assume they're caused my hormones. They are the "ooey gooey' hormones that make me feel all this mushy mom feelings, trying to trick me into believing that pregnancy doesn't suck. But I will fight the good fight! I will not give in. 

• Well maybe a little because there are some cool things about being pregnant. Let's list them.
• People are really nice to you (this might be a survival instinct)
• You don't have to carry any of the heavy groceries
• You can sit down at work more and have an excuse
• You can ask for back rubs all the time guilt free because it's partially his fault that it hurts
• You can rest your hand on your belly-shelf without feeling like a hippo
• Midnight snacks are encouraged
• You can be lazy all day, and it's okay because your exhausted

In short, the pampering is nice and you feel pretty special and people are all happy for you, but the fact is that you NEED the pampering because you feel like you've been run over by a truck.

My opinion on these matters is a little bias. I didn't have the best beginning to my pregnancy and just last month I had to go for blood work for both gestational diabetes and preeclampsia, both of which my doctors thought I might have due to some other tests, but turns out I don't. So, it's been a little stressful even though things are, in fact, going smoothly. I've gained only about 10 pounds or so from my prepregnancy weight (16 if you start it from the weight I lost with being sick at the beginning of my pregnancy). It certainly feels like I've gained more than that.

Anyway, baby will be here soon! We haven't packed our hospital bag and we don't have half the stuff we need, but either way he'll be here soon. Ready or not!

Prunes

I tried prunes for the first time this week. I just happened to see a bag of individually packaged prunes as I was walking through Shop Rite and thought "let me give these a try." Damian has had them before and he said they weren't bad, and we typically like the same foods. I was pleasantly surprised. They're kind of like raisins, but not so sweet. I can't say that I love them, but they aren't bad at all. It took me a couple of tries to get over their look. They kind look like giant cicada bodies. Sometimes I just close my eyes and take a bite. Maybe this is TMI, but I'll just say that they're been helping with the problem I bought them to solve.

Also, Drake's been very wiggly lately. It's been fun, but every once in a while, I think he must do a somersault or something because it is the weirdest sensation! He responds to music, especially piano. I'm not sure if this means he likes it or not. We have about 80 days left! Oh dear.

(Not) Managing Stress

There are some uncertain things going on right now with my job. Things that may mean I will be on the market soon. It has nothing to do with my performance, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing is settled yet, but it should be by the end of the week, for better or worse.

As you can imagine, this is not good timing for me. The position was perfect for my life as a new mom as it is a steady (benefited) part time position, and not only that, who on earth is going to hire a 7 months pregnant woman? I know there are laws saying that I can't be turned down just because I'm pregnant, but that doesn't mean people won't do it. And I can understand why, I'd start working and two months later be out for at least 6 weeks. 

The stress is getting to me, and I can't really talk to any one about it. I don't want to stress Damian out along with me, and other people just say "don't stress about it" or "stress isn't good for the baby." That second one really makes me pissy. If I could just turn my stress off, I would, wouldn't I? And it being bad for the baby doesn't make it any easier to calm down. It assumes that some mother instinct that I don't have will rise up and squash the stress. But in reality, just thinking of having the baby and not having a job makes me start to hyperventilate.

So I've been distracting myself with video games and books since I found out. I can't think about it. As much as I enjoy games and reading, I realize that I'm not actually dealing with any of the emotions, I'm just hiding from them. I should face them and confront them, but I just can't. When I give into them in that way, I spiral. It's not pretty. There are things I can let myself feel fully, things I can let myself feel a little at a time, and things I just keep tucked away. This stress right now is one of the things that needs to stay in hiding (although it keeps trying to escape).

By the end of next week, I'll know if the stress battle will continue or if I'm in the clear. The waiting and uncertainty of it all it just as bad as the stress. Should I be looking for work? Will I be eligible for unemployment? Where should I be looking? Will my supervisor help me pick up some hours here and there? Do I know anyone who could connect me to employment? What if I can't find anything? Will we have to move? Where on earth would we move? Should we get rid of one of the cars? Can we manage only one car with (eventually/potentially) two working people? 

Then there's the uncertainty of Damian's schedule, which just throws a kink into everything, and makes planning very difficult. There's just too much uncertainty and too many questions. I would like the wait to be over so that I an start figuring out which ones are important.

Eat, Poop, Sleep

Damian decided to pick out a book to read about babies. I'm going the traditional route with What to Expect: The First Year, but it is far too long and detailed for him. Plus, it doesn't make sense for us to read the same book. Divide and conquer! After scanning the baby section at Barnes and Noble, we were a little disheartened. Most of the books were either textbooky or written for women, which wouldn't be so bad, but certainly wasn't ideal for him. There were some books written for fathers, but they weren't written for the kind of man that Damian is. They all assumed that that their reader would be a "dude," and tried to use humor to hold interest, which doesn't say much for the opinion the writer had of their readers. Damian is certainly just as much a dude as the next guy. He likes beer and football and would love to drive a fancy sports car (if only his wife would let him), but he also likes Bach, documentary films, and is a bit of a feminist (what can I say, I rubbed off on him). He is also genuinely interested in fathering, not to mention excited by it. Just at the last minute, we found a book called Eat, Sleep, Poop: A Common Sense Guide to Your Baby's First Year. It was written by a pediatrician and proud daddy, and combines his medical experience with his parenting experiences. It is practical and straightforward, but also more on the personal side when he brings in stories about his daughter. It struck just the right note with Damian, at least so far. 

That being said, I can tell you that it is not as unbiased as the book I'm reading, but I think this comes from his stance as a doctor. Doctors are biased about all sorts of things, and that is why we often get second opinions on the important things. So it is a good thing to look into alternative view points on things that are most important to you or you know the least about. I know there are a lot controversies about vaccination and circumcision, but I'm not going to spend hours researching these topics because I already has a strong bias for what I plan to do, and there are a lot of conflicting opinions/studies about them, so I go with my gut. But the topic of helping my baby sleep through the night is a different story. My gut is confused by this topic. It tells me that I won't be comfortable letting my baby cry it out, at least not for long periods of time, but it also tells me that I can't go running at it's every whimper  So I'll definitely be looking into all kinds of philosophies on this topic.

Pregnancy Belly and Baby Wiggles

I looked in the mirror the other day and thought "Oh dear!" This was followed by a minor freak out about how much control I'm losing over my body. It is a strange to feel your body change so rapidly. It starts to feel like it isn't your body, like you're living in someone else. I'm starting to like my belly though. In a world where weight gain is usually a bad thing, it is hard to remember that what is happening to me is a good thing. At first the belly changes weren't that noticeable  but now it feels like every week I am significantly rounder. I honestly don't know how much weight I've gained. The last check was 6 pounds, but that was almost a month ago. I don't weigh myself at home, only at the doctors.

Drake has really been wiggling around in there too. Sometimes when I watch my stomach, it twitches with each hop. Damian still hasn't really been able to feel him, but I think he must not have feeling in his hands, because Drake is certainly trying his best to give high fives in the womb.

All the updates in the world

We had an ultrasound! It was so cool to see the baby. The best part was seeing the legs and arms moving around inside of me. 

We also found out that we're having a boy! Damian is thrilled, and I find myself wondering what it will be like to raise a boy. Those of you that have read my other blog know that I have strong opinions about how women are treated and molded in our society. The fact is that women are encouraged to be cooperative to the point of submission, while men are encouraged to dominate and to take control.  I mentioned to someone recently that I feel like I know how to help a girl be a strong feminist who stands up for the things she believes in, but how do I raise my son to both stand up for what he believes while still being cooperative and respectful. How do I teach my son, who will get so many messages from television, movies, and the internet about how to treat women, to do what he can to subvert this culture? And on top of that, how do I help him resist racism, classism, and homophobia? I honestly don't know.

He's growing! I'm growing! When I had the ultrasound, he was about 6 inches, and now (according to reputable baby websites) he should be about 11 inches and over a pound. My stomach is getting bigger every time I look at it. I can feel him moving around inside me regularly now and Damian might even have felt one particular ferocious movement once. It becomes more and more real every day, and I become more and more paralyzed with fear. I hope this is easier the second time. I would like to have more than one, at least that's what I'm thinking now. I reserve the right to change my mind.

We decided on a baby name: Drake. For me, it was love at first sight. I like the sound and spelling and even better, I love that it means dragon, which fits nicely with our nerdiness. Damian approached the name more cautiously, but he went through hundreds of baby names and couldn't find one that he liked more. He is very picky about boy names.

In non-baby news, I think I'm ready to start writing again. I sat down the other day planning to just do some scribbling. I asked Damian what I should write about and he said, "I don't know. Fried chicken." A story was born. It's not fantasy, at least I don't think it is, but I like it. I haven't quite figured out my main character. I think I need to make her younger, but it feels good to write it, and feels good to have my pen in my hand.

Oh dear!

I have a lot to update on about this pregnancy. I'm just about six months pregnant and a lot of cool things have happened, like an ultrasound and name selection, but that's not a post for today. Today I need to post about how I'm feeling. Once I started feeling physically better, I started to get really excited about having a baby and being pregnant. I'm a natural worrier, so this happy feeling has never been free from worry, but for the most part, I was so happy! In the past week or two, things have really flipped. Instead of being a little bit worried and a lot about happy, I'm mostly just terrified.

Terrified doesn't really explain this feeling... worried about being a parent and the baby, scared of major failure, and even a bit sad that the life I know and love is going to change. It is the end of an era, as they say. I'm sure some of these emotions are related to the hormonal changes happening to me right now, and the fact that my stomach is growing and growing, and the pain in my lower back that is likely to only get worse. I'm sure some of it also as to do with me leaving one of my part time jobs (reasons are complicated, it's not just because of the baby though), a job that I enjoy.

I know a lot of women experience increased anxiety and mood swings as their pregnancy progresses, but I didn't really expect to experience this level of fear/depression/anxiety (take your pick). I know in time I will be okay and get back to being my normal self. I don't feel hopeless or desperate because I won't let myself get to that point. I'm doing my best to stay positive, and positive self-talk is a really important part of my general mental health. And I am happy to be having a baby. I'm just all those other things right along with it, and sometimes the more negative/harmful emotions feel closer to the surface.

Why My Husband is Amazing

My husband has been the most supportive, loving spouse a person could ever imagine. Here's a brief list of his amazingness.

1. He does not complain that I haven't cooked a meal in over a month because my morning sickness is strongest at night.
2. When I'm exhausted, and I want to go to bed early. He comes in the room and keeps me company. He knows I like when he is near me, even when I'm not conscious.
3. When I was battling multiple illnesses and morning sickness in February, he brought everything I needed to the bedroom including drinks, meals, and medicine.
4. He sees our relationship as a true partnership -- we both take care of house work including cooking, cleaning, food shopping, and laundry.
5. He is supportive of my emotional needs even though he doesn't always understand them.
6. He challenges me to be introspective about my decisions and choices. He doesn't cut me slack when I'm being unfair.
7. He gives me attention and space whenever I need it.
8. He understands that my body is going through changes, and he always assures me that I'm still beautiful.
9. He's a really good listener.
10. He never has a problem admitting when he's wrong, he never yells, and he rarely gets mad.

As you can see I have plenty of reasons to love him, and I assure you that I treat him quite well too, but sometimes I still wonder: do I deserve such a wonderful person in my life? I told him once that I didn't deserve him, and he said "It's not about deserving. It's about being there for each other no matter what." He knows me so well. There is no way he could convince me that I deserve his love, but he can tell me that love for each other will be there thick and thin, unconditionally. I think to some extent it is more important that I strive to deserve such an amazing person, to better myself, to treat him with the love, respect, and support he deserves, and that is what I strive to do.

Relationships are so strange. It is no small feat to find a comfortable balance between two people's need. Some how we've managed (and it has always been easy). I wonder how bringing a third person into this family of two will change us, our lives, our balancing.

Feeling Noticeably Better at 14 Weeks

I am finally starting to feel almost like a human being again! I'm still fighting the good fight against nausea, but I've been winning more often these days. The medicine for my bladder infection worked really quickly and I have a smidgen more energy now that I'm not sick. I think my belly is starting to be influenced by the baby. I mean, I always had a belly, but it looks a little pouchier than usual. It's not the most flattering picture of me, but there you have it -- me 14 weeks pregnant.

Now that I'm regaining my humanity, there are things I need to do! I need to clean my house desperately. Damian's been keeping on top of somethings, but he's only one person. Last week I managed to go to the laundry mat, this week the apartment just needs a total overhaul. Soon, very soon, we need to clean out the spare room/ future baby's room. It's currently a disaster, full of stuff that we need to put in storage or get rid of. Some of it is already packed up in totes, but some of those totes need serious going through. Then we have to figure out what gets put away in storage in the apartment, and what is going to go in Damian's mom's attic. Once the room is cleared, I'll feel more ready to start thinking about furniture and stuff.

Tears, Health Insurance, and Luck

I had my first real pregnancy cry today, and it wasn't over something cute or sad. I mean, I've come close to bursting into tears over the thought of my husband holding our freshly squeeze baby, but so far I've managed to keep my cool. No, this was because I was completely overwhelmed. Pregnancy has not been fun for me so far. Head cold, nausea, general discomfort, never ending fatigue, bronchitis, and now a bladder and yeast infection... yes at the same time. The bladder infection was news to me. I had none of the traditional symptoms except pain in my stomach (which is scary for a never-been-pregnant-before woman), and the yeast infection is from the antibiotic I was taking for the bronchitis. All of this and I can't get proper health insurance. The health insurance is what sent me over the edge today.

A nurse had mentioned something about a "spousal refusal form" as a way of helping me get access to medicaid, which is really my only option at this point. So I went to my local DSS and asked for the form only to be told "we don't do that anymore." I went back to my car and cried right there in the parking lot. 

Now I understand why they don't do that any more. It's a tricky way to get around having a spouse that earns a decent income. I'm not usually about doing these kind of tricky things, but the problem is that I've been put into a corner. I need health insurance, and no one will cover me. There aren't many viable options for middle income pregnant women. 

So I'm back to square one with the health insurance, which basically means we're going to go very deeply into debt to make sure we have a healthy baby and Mama. So far my medical bills have been close to $3000. I don't make that much in a month. And it's not like we don't have bills. We might be middle income, but we don't have the luxury of middle income parents who helped us get our feet under us. We have rent, car payments, credit card bills, student loans, and  utilities. Oh and we have to eat. I know we're not poor. I'm not, as my grandmother would say, pleading poverty. I know what it is like to be poor, and this isn't it, but we don't live high on the hog either. I mean, we don't even have cable television. I've tried to keep our expenses low. I use coupons when shopping, and don't buy anything we don't need. 

You might be thinking "Then why did you go and get pregnant?" Well, I obviously didn't know that getting health insurance would be such a problem. I actually thought I'd be able to get on my husband's insurance. Funny thing is though that pregnancy isn't considered a life changing event. Tell that to my uterus! The birth of a child is considered life changing, but pregnancy isn't. The problem with this kind of thinking is that in order to have a happy, healthy baby, you need to get prenatal care, especially if you have a high risk pregnancy. (My pregnancy is not considered high risk, but I am at a great risk of complications like gestational diabetes because I'm over weight.)

Today at the doctors, I heard the babies heart beat. I turned to the doctor/resident and said, "Can you make sure there's only one in there?"

"Why? Are you predisposed?"

"No, but it would just make sense with the way my life's been going lately."

I don't think she heard two heart beats, but she didn't listen very hard. It'd be just my luck.

Searching for Connections

It's weird. Somehow, having a baby has inspired in me this longing for deeper connections to the people in my life. Family that I haven't spoken to in years suddenly seem important, the reasons for my silence tucked away if not forgotten. Is it an instinctual desire to reach out for help and support during this time when I need so much of it? When life is so scary. 

My mother and my maternal grandmother, both name Nannette, passed away with in two years of each other. To be honest, my mother and I weren't that close. I moved out at the age of 13, and while I loved her, and stayed in contact, our relationship was not that of a normal mother and child. I try to remember her and they good times we shared together, dancing, and singing, but it all feels so far away. She protected me fiercely, taught me to be a strong woman, and to take shit from no one.

My grandmother's death almost undid me. It has been almost three years, and I still can't face it completely. I take sideways glances at it, letting myself look, but not completely. There I things I can't bring myself to even think about that shake my heart. I have not made it though the denial stages. I know she is not in this world any more. I tell myself it, but in my core, I cannot let myself believe it as a fact or perhaps I don't want to. It is easier after all. The day of her services, I cried until my nose bled, but in the hospital, when I saw her, I was stoic. My grandfather crumbled before me, and I pushed my emotions down to my toes, far away from my heart. We can't all fall apart, can we? I let myself feel it in pieces later, and even though I only took sideways glances as it, it was too much. It was too hard. To this day, I don't know how I'm living with out her.

And the point is, my grandmother and my mother are the only two people (besides Damian) who I really truly need right now, and they're the only two people I can't have. So I'm searching for connections that make sense, to my friends who live far away and my remaining family, but I still feel like somethings missing, mostly because something is.

This probably sounds depressing, but it's not meant to be, nor am I depressed. I'm just having a moment of thoughtful, self-awareness.

Rest for the weary

So I started the blog and let it sit. This is what happens, but the good thing is that I know that no one reads it and so I don't have to feel bad about it. Liberation through invisibility! Huzzah for being unknown!

The reason for the silence has been a good one, kind of. I haven't been feeling well, you see, well, because I'm about 11 weeks pregnant. (Yay!) We are both very excited and happy about this, but boy is it hard work being pregnant. The nausea is just barely beginning to subside, but I'm still pretty fatigued. My life currently consists of work, forcing myself to eat, and sleeping. I sleep a lot. Sometimes I sleep because I don't want to feel nauseous any more, most of the time it is because I can't keep my eyes open another second longer. 

But the nausea is the worst. I'm usually pretty good when I'm sick. I'm the kind of person that can "suck it up" and go to work and tough it out any way (with a little help from my friend NyQuil), but there's something about feeling nauseous that turns me into a big, whining baby. Lucky for me, it's not so bad that I'm actually throwing up, and I'm managing to eat a bit. It's nothing compared to what some women deal with. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier on me though. In fact, it kind of makes me feel worse.

How am I feeling otherwise? Emotionally? Worried and a little stressed because of money issues (I don't currently have health insurance despite working 40 hours a week), but I'm so happy that I'm going to be a mom, and that I'm starting a family with the best husband in the whole world. I'm very lucky to have him as my teammate in all of this.

Other news? I hope to get back to my crocheting once I start being able to eat again, and there are some recipes I'm dying to try. I have my fingers crossed for a full recovery by next week.

New Years Resolutions 2013

I always make a bunch of resolutions for the New Year. Sometimes I make the same resolution year after year, only to fail every time. Still, I always make a bunch, and try my best to stick to them. Most of them are really just goals, not true resolutions, but the point is always the same: to improve myself and my life. This year I broke them down by category: Health, Home, Financial, and Personal

Health
1. Eat veggies with dinner every night. (I usually do this any way, but there is power in making conscious decisions.)

2. Only drink medium or small coffees. No more ventis!

3. Fit some exercise into my day by doing 1 crunch and 1 squat for whatever day of the year it is. (As in January 1, you do 1 of each exercise and January 2nd you do 2, then 3 and so on.)

Home
1. I want to make cooking fun again by trying new things and taking pride in what I make. I want to learn to make pizza dough, fettuccine alfredo, rice pudding, lasagna, English Muffins, peanut butter pancakes, fresh pasta, whole chicken, goulash, mozzarella cheese, and stir fry sauce.

2. Keep the front of the apartment (living room, dining room, and kitchen) clean enough that I can have company over without worrying about "the mess."

3. Do the laundry when it needs to be done. Just do it. I tend to procrastinate on the laundry, and there's no reason for it.

Financial
1. This is a big one. This year I pledge to refrain from buying anything that I do not absolutely need. This means I have to question anything I'm about to purchase, and be sure that I do indeed need it. I've already not bought a bunch of items that normally I might have. 

2. Pay off my car, and then pay down as much as my other debt as I can.

Personal
1. Learn how to crochet better by learning how to gauge and how to attach pieces more nicely. 

2. Try to get through some of the old reading pile.

3. Blog it up, just for me.

This is really just the beginning. I make resolutions all year around, and although I am rarely ever successful, I continue to do it because there's no point in giving up. Plus, I'm so goal oriented, I don't think I could stop myself. :)

I've Been Here Before

I've been here before. I've started blogs, I've deleted blogs, I've left them alone for very long times and then came back to them with a fierce passion. But so far I've not been able to keep up with a blog because I've not been able to keep up with my projects and goals. My writing blog sits dusty. My weight loss blog didn't make it a week. So, I'm starting fresh. A blog without projects, without goals, or deadlines. A blog about me, for me, to make a dent in the world, even a small one.

It is called Thread by Thread: A Life because of this, because a life isn't one project, one goal. It is full of ups and downs, knots and tangles. You add threads, you run out of thread, you cut one thread out completely, but at the end you have created something even if it is lopsided and gaudy.

In this blog I'm just going to be myself... crocheting more stuff than I know what to do with, losing weight, gaining weight, trying new recipes, trying to keep my house clean, being a wife, reading good books, writing bad ones, playing video games, and working hard. Thread by thread I will share with you my life.

I can here the skeptics out there saying that I won't stay on top of this blog any more than I did any of the others, and who wants to read about my boring life? And I have say that I'm one of these skeptics, but the success of this blog does not reside in the number of people that read it and like it or the number of posts I write in a week. It resides only in my ability to create a whole out of threads I weave together here.