Thirty Two Weeks Pregnant

It is official. I am in my 8th month of pregnancy. It is getting difficult to remember a time when I wasn't pregnant. What was that like? Remember corned beef? Remember sleeping on your stomach? Le Sigh. Here's me last week (31 weeks). 

I wouldn't say I'm a miserable pregnant woman, but I am by no means the happy, tons of energy, feeling fantastic, don't want to tear peoples' heads off and eat their brains pregnant woman. There are a litany of complaints like not being able to walk up the stairs to my apartment without getting winded, not being able to stand on my feet a work without pain, the fact that this baby might actually be a radiator because I am HOT, my carpal tunnel acting up. I want to eat all the time, and it goes on, but right now there are two things tied for the "worst of it" title.

1. My left hip is killing me. It doesn't hurt all the time, but if I'm sitting for twenty minutes, and I get up, I can barely walk. It doesn't want to move and it hurts to put weight on it. 
2. And secondly, Drake is getting to be very active at night. I'm not sure, but I think he's kicking my bladder, and pretending he's the ball from Pong  at the same time. Some times it's just uncomfortable, and sometimes it's even cool to feel him, but then there's the times when it down right hurts! Why you beating your mama up Drake? It seriously feels like there are two babies in there!

Also this might be TMI, but hey, I'm a prego woman, I don't know the meaning of TMI. My body is not my own. Today I sneezed and peed my pants a little. It is as if my body has decided to give up the good fight and have given the last thing I had control of over to pregnancy - my bladder control.

A funny thing happens when your pregnant though, or at least it is happening for me. There's a (huge) part of my brain that says "Pregnancy sucks,"  and I'm fully aware of this and in agreement with this part of my brain, but then there are these tricky emotions, I would assume they're caused my hormones. They are the "ooey gooey' hormones that make me feel all this mushy mom feelings, trying to trick me into believing that pregnancy doesn't suck. But I will fight the good fight! I will not give in. 

• Well maybe a little because there are some cool things about being pregnant. Let's list them.
• People are really nice to you (this might be a survival instinct)
• You don't have to carry any of the heavy groceries
• You can sit down at work more and have an excuse
• You can ask for back rubs all the time guilt free because it's partially his fault that it hurts
• You can rest your hand on your belly-shelf without feeling like a hippo
• Midnight snacks are encouraged
• You can be lazy all day, and it's okay because your exhausted

In short, the pampering is nice and you feel pretty special and people are all happy for you, but the fact is that you NEED the pampering because you feel like you've been run over by a truck.

My opinion on these matters is a little bias. I didn't have the best beginning to my pregnancy and just last month I had to go for blood work for both gestational diabetes and preeclampsia, both of which my doctors thought I might have due to some other tests, but turns out I don't. So, it's been a little stressful even though things are, in fact, going smoothly. I've gained only about 10 pounds or so from my prepregnancy weight (16 if you start it from the weight I lost with being sick at the beginning of my pregnancy). It certainly feels like I've gained more than that.

Anyway, baby will be here soon! We haven't packed our hospital bag and we don't have half the stuff we need, but either way he'll be here soon. Ready or not!

Prunes

I tried prunes for the first time this week. I just happened to see a bag of individually packaged prunes as I was walking through Shop Rite and thought "let me give these a try." Damian has had them before and he said they weren't bad, and we typically like the same foods. I was pleasantly surprised. They're kind of like raisins, but not so sweet. I can't say that I love them, but they aren't bad at all. It took me a couple of tries to get over their look. They kind look like giant cicada bodies. Sometimes I just close my eyes and take a bite. Maybe this is TMI, but I'll just say that they're been helping with the problem I bought them to solve.

Also, Drake's been very wiggly lately. It's been fun, but every once in a while, I think he must do a somersault or something because it is the weirdest sensation! He responds to music, especially piano. I'm not sure if this means he likes it or not. We have about 80 days left! Oh dear.

(Not) Managing Stress

There are some uncertain things going on right now with my job. Things that may mean I will be on the market soon. It has nothing to do with my performance, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing is settled yet, but it should be by the end of the week, for better or worse.

As you can imagine, this is not good timing for me. The position was perfect for my life as a new mom as it is a steady (benefited) part time position, and not only that, who on earth is going to hire a 7 months pregnant woman? I know there are laws saying that I can't be turned down just because I'm pregnant, but that doesn't mean people won't do it. And I can understand why, I'd start working and two months later be out for at least 6 weeks. 

The stress is getting to me, and I can't really talk to any one about it. I don't want to stress Damian out along with me, and other people just say "don't stress about it" or "stress isn't good for the baby." That second one really makes me pissy. If I could just turn my stress off, I would, wouldn't I? And it being bad for the baby doesn't make it any easier to calm down. It assumes that some mother instinct that I don't have will rise up and squash the stress. But in reality, just thinking of having the baby and not having a job makes me start to hyperventilate.

So I've been distracting myself with video games and books since I found out. I can't think about it. As much as I enjoy games and reading, I realize that I'm not actually dealing with any of the emotions, I'm just hiding from them. I should face them and confront them, but I just can't. When I give into them in that way, I spiral. It's not pretty. There are things I can let myself feel fully, things I can let myself feel a little at a time, and things I just keep tucked away. This stress right now is one of the things that needs to stay in hiding (although it keeps trying to escape).

By the end of next week, I'll know if the stress battle will continue or if I'm in the clear. The waiting and uncertainty of it all it just as bad as the stress. Should I be looking for work? Will I be eligible for unemployment? Where should I be looking? Will my supervisor help me pick up some hours here and there? Do I know anyone who could connect me to employment? What if I can't find anything? Will we have to move? Where on earth would we move? Should we get rid of one of the cars? Can we manage only one car with (eventually/potentially) two working people? 

Then there's the uncertainty of Damian's schedule, which just throws a kink into everything, and makes planning very difficult. There's just too much uncertainty and too many questions. I would like the wait to be over so that I an start figuring out which ones are important.

Eat, Poop, Sleep

Damian decided to pick out a book to read about babies. I'm going the traditional route with What to Expect: The First Year, but it is far too long and detailed for him. Plus, it doesn't make sense for us to read the same book. Divide and conquer! After scanning the baby section at Barnes and Noble, we were a little disheartened. Most of the books were either textbooky or written for women, which wouldn't be so bad, but certainly wasn't ideal for him. There were some books written for fathers, but they weren't written for the kind of man that Damian is. They all assumed that that their reader would be a "dude," and tried to use humor to hold interest, which doesn't say much for the opinion the writer had of their readers. Damian is certainly just as much a dude as the next guy. He likes beer and football and would love to drive a fancy sports car (if only his wife would let him), but he also likes Bach, documentary films, and is a bit of a feminist (what can I say, I rubbed off on him). He is also genuinely interested in fathering, not to mention excited by it. Just at the last minute, we found a book called Eat, Sleep, Poop: A Common Sense Guide to Your Baby's First Year. It was written by a pediatrician and proud daddy, and combines his medical experience with his parenting experiences. It is practical and straightforward, but also more on the personal side when he brings in stories about his daughter. It struck just the right note with Damian, at least so far. 

That being said, I can tell you that it is not as unbiased as the book I'm reading, but I think this comes from his stance as a doctor. Doctors are biased about all sorts of things, and that is why we often get second opinions on the important things. So it is a good thing to look into alternative view points on things that are most important to you or you know the least about. I know there are a lot controversies about vaccination and circumcision, but I'm not going to spend hours researching these topics because I already has a strong bias for what I plan to do, and there are a lot of conflicting opinions/studies about them, so I go with my gut. But the topic of helping my baby sleep through the night is a different story. My gut is confused by this topic. It tells me that I won't be comfortable letting my baby cry it out, at least not for long periods of time, but it also tells me that I can't go running at it's every whimper  So I'll definitely be looking into all kinds of philosophies on this topic.

Pregnancy Belly and Baby Wiggles

I looked in the mirror the other day and thought "Oh dear!" This was followed by a minor freak out about how much control I'm losing over my body. It is a strange to feel your body change so rapidly. It starts to feel like it isn't your body, like you're living in someone else. I'm starting to like my belly though. In a world where weight gain is usually a bad thing, it is hard to remember that what is happening to me is a good thing. At first the belly changes weren't that noticeable  but now it feels like every week I am significantly rounder. I honestly don't know how much weight I've gained. The last check was 6 pounds, but that was almost a month ago. I don't weigh myself at home, only at the doctors.

Drake has really been wiggling around in there too. Sometimes when I watch my stomach, it twitches with each hop. Damian still hasn't really been able to feel him, but I think he must not have feeling in his hands, because Drake is certainly trying his best to give high fives in the womb.

All the updates in the world

We had an ultrasound! It was so cool to see the baby. The best part was seeing the legs and arms moving around inside of me. 

We also found out that we're having a boy! Damian is thrilled, and I find myself wondering what it will be like to raise a boy. Those of you that have read my other blog know that I have strong opinions about how women are treated and molded in our society. The fact is that women are encouraged to be cooperative to the point of submission, while men are encouraged to dominate and to take control.  I mentioned to someone recently that I feel like I know how to help a girl be a strong feminist who stands up for the things she believes in, but how do I raise my son to both stand up for what he believes while still being cooperative and respectful. How do I teach my son, who will get so many messages from television, movies, and the internet about how to treat women, to do what he can to subvert this culture? And on top of that, how do I help him resist racism, classism, and homophobia? I honestly don't know.

He's growing! I'm growing! When I had the ultrasound, he was about 6 inches, and now (according to reputable baby websites) he should be about 11 inches and over a pound. My stomach is getting bigger every time I look at it. I can feel him moving around inside me regularly now and Damian might even have felt one particular ferocious movement once. It becomes more and more real every day, and I become more and more paralyzed with fear. I hope this is easier the second time. I would like to have more than one, at least that's what I'm thinking now. I reserve the right to change my mind.

We decided on a baby name: Drake. For me, it was love at first sight. I like the sound and spelling and even better, I love that it means dragon, which fits nicely with our nerdiness. Damian approached the name more cautiously, but he went through hundreds of baby names and couldn't find one that he liked more. He is very picky about boy names.

In non-baby news, I think I'm ready to start writing again. I sat down the other day planning to just do some scribbling. I asked Damian what I should write about and he said, "I don't know. Fried chicken." A story was born. It's not fantasy, at least I don't think it is, but I like it. I haven't quite figured out my main character. I think I need to make her younger, but it feels good to write it, and feels good to have my pen in my hand.

Oh dear!

I have a lot to update on about this pregnancy. I'm just about six months pregnant and a lot of cool things have happened, like an ultrasound and name selection, but that's not a post for today. Today I need to post about how I'm feeling. Once I started feeling physically better, I started to get really excited about having a baby and being pregnant. I'm a natural worrier, so this happy feeling has never been free from worry, but for the most part, I was so happy! In the past week or two, things have really flipped. Instead of being a little bit worried and a lot about happy, I'm mostly just terrified.

Terrified doesn't really explain this feeling... worried about being a parent and the baby, scared of major failure, and even a bit sad that the life I know and love is going to change. It is the end of an era, as they say. I'm sure some of these emotions are related to the hormonal changes happening to me right now, and the fact that my stomach is growing and growing, and the pain in my lower back that is likely to only get worse. I'm sure some of it also as to do with me leaving one of my part time jobs (reasons are complicated, it's not just because of the baby though), a job that I enjoy.

I know a lot of women experience increased anxiety and mood swings as their pregnancy progresses, but I didn't really expect to experience this level of fear/depression/anxiety (take your pick). I know in time I will be okay and get back to being my normal self. I don't feel hopeless or desperate because I won't let myself get to that point. I'm doing my best to stay positive, and positive self-talk is a really important part of my general mental health. And I am happy to be having a baby. I'm just all those other things right along with it, and sometimes the more negative/harmful emotions feel closer to the surface.